I WILL NOT!!!

Noun:

The fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something.

 When this word is spoken or the subject is brought to one's attention, the first thing that enters our thought is "SEX." Google the word "Abstinence" to read what too many have thought of it to be when in reality it's so much more than simply that. 

How many times have you set your "Self" aside from doing what in reality you'd like to do?

• You let go of the cake and chips or pizza and buffalo wings because you know that it won't help in losing the pesky pounds that you've gained.

• You decide to make this the last drink, because you now recognize that 1 beer a day became 2 and 3 and more. Or did it transform into hard liquor on a nightly basis? Which may include drugs.

• You no longer want to hang with the same people, because they've taken away the good you had and added worse ... this may include family.
  

• I am one that used to have trouble holding her tongue from speaking out and I believe I’ve grasped it, but my facial expressions never fail to expose. My continual prayer is...
  

          He hadn’t felt this much or even this kind of desire for a woman. She never experienced such an impulse to want more than just his flavor. Realizing their risen desires, something or someone nudged from within causing them to gradually pull away.

          Savoring his tingling lips that maintained the freshness of her taste, seeing her emerald colored eyes flutter open. Forcing his body to function appropriately he swayed her delicately to the side. She breathlessly responded in silence allowing him to open the door. She sat and fastened her seatbelt. Watching him through the door mirror she noticed his stiff walk and then saw as he opened his door. He took a hard hold to the steering wheel, looking over to Jocelyn he smiled letting her feel his transmitting delight.

Reminiscence Chapter 16, page 175

How easy or difficult is it for you to pull away from a situation? Your mind and body battles with your inner being and common sense.

·   I’ve done it before, why not do it again?

Where were you before you began this journey or what do you have now that you didn’t have before?

Age has no say.

Twelve and thirteen-year old's experience the same ideals as a nineteen and twenty while the twenty-one-year-old has probably experienced the same as a forty and fifty-year-old.

Are their minds capable of understanding all they’ve taken in.

Per Psychologist, no.

A child is supposed to think and act their age, while a teen is trying to obtain the rights to work and go to college. A forty or fifty-year-old is supposed to be looking forward to positive advancements in their life, not act or dress like a teen. 

Approaching the front desk after the morning prayer, she crossed out the first name that had been taken back to see the doctor. While Jocelyn stepped into medical records, the second patient arrived and was signed in by Daren. Strolling towards the front desk a stench of body odor caught her nostrils forcing Jocelyn to hold her breath. She then whispered, “Daren what or who is that smell?”

“The young lady waiting to be taken back.”

Glancing over the counter in an imperceptive manner she framed her sight. The crude looking creature, slouched on the chair appeared wasted on drugs or alcohol. Their vulgar scent had a mix of urine and possibly feces, the reddish hair seemed unwashed and untamed and her dirty blouse and shorts exposed drug induced contusions. After scheduling the first patient's next appointment she announced, “Lacey G. Anderson.”

Rising from the chair, the girl wobbled toward the counter. Jocelyn’s eyes couldn’t help but stare at a pale-faced and dark-eyed Lacey. Awe transfused her pores as the tired and run-down presence possessed her sight. With groggy and unsettling posture, Lacey glanced and then gawked as recognition transformed her dull eyes into raging blue eyes. “What in the ‘ell are you doin’ ere?” A gulp of silence was the only response. No desire to rip or attack the person that stood in front as peace took over the memories of their past relationship; overwhelming heartache was now in attendance.

Jocelyn finally answered, “I’m working here during the summer.”

“Great! Now I ha’ to deal wit you ere too.”

Jocelyn led the way while Lacey stumbled behind, profanity spewing along with spit and the grotesque smell. Finally, interrupting Jocelyn asked that she sit and wait for Dr. Morales.

Quietly returning to the front desk she sat and gazed at the floor. Daren taking her by surprise asked if she was okay. “Distracted,” was her only response.

Fear struck as anger started to build. Her mind now focused on wanting to know if Lacey still had connections with Brad. “If she does, will she tell him where I am? There are restrictions in New York, but here?” She sat up, licked her lip and shrugged her shoulders gearing up for whatever. The morning smile was gone, transforming into a devious plan.

Reminiscence Chapter 25, Page 262 and 263

What Would You Do?

No matter where you go you have to deal with people. People are the upmost mysterious creatures God has created. And, though we were created in His image and likeness, most of us have no clue on what God looks like.

Most of us work in a Customer Service setting, meaning we deal with various characters throughout our day. Company owners have to fix whatever situation an employee got them into. Accountants have to deal with uneven numbers.

·   You woke up this morning with such happiness and breakfast was delicious. As soon as you step into the store you have no choice, but to deal with the unsatisfied customer that insults and curses you out, though you have no idea what is happening.

·   You enter the company office with that winning smile and employees congratulating you for another corporate accomplishment. It all pauses when the secretary gives you a file of criminal records belonging to a present employee that falsified her identity in order to enter the company.

·  You had looked at the numbers, calculated all information and finally retrieved the missing figures. As you bend over to pick up the pencil that fell to the floor your finger or elbow taps something that erases all you’ve worked on.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I settle everything with a smile, because sometimes my smile full of frustration.

I’m also not going to say, “I always give it to God. He’s my hero!” because I sometimes forget that He is Jehovah Jireh, My Provider.

It’s not lack of Faith.

It’s the fact that I haven’t reached that next level yet. And, neither have you. 

Until then...

Make it your goal to abstain from negative thoughts. The ones that have always taken you in the wrong direction.

Make it your objective to abstain restrain from feeding flesh on what it wants, whether it be food, a drink or drug and/or sex.

Make it your purpose to abstain from not associating with that one friend that seem to motivate and inspire you, adding positive influence into your life.

Stepping Up and Over

And Over 

Several months ago I worked for one of the most prominent hospitals in Philadelphia. I loved my position because of the people I worked with and for, the people I helped and associated with.

What I didn’t like was the person I worked under and how they decided to associate with me. I use the word decided, because at one time my manager and I got along and very well. At one time, they expressed appreciation for my work ethics with promotions and raises and I appreciated their recognition with dependability and respect.

One day the promotions seized, not because I wasn’t worthy of another, but because there was nowhere else to go, except out and onto another place of work. I was okay with staying where I was and working with them because I loved the connection. The raises continued, though not as high as before, but because that was part of the employment contract. Not receiving the high raises didn’t faze me, because I loved what I did.

My first position was located within the clinic, where my manager was able to see what I did and when I did it. My last position was located within the hospital, which was nowhere near my manager’s sight. Now it was the in-hospital physicians and other co-workers whom saw my work ethics and how I extended myself.

They said and I did, my manager said and I did, my co-workers said and I did. The patients called and I answered, the other doctors called and I went, the students needed to be trained and I trained. I hadn’t changed my loyalty and neither did my respect falter.

The situation was that my manager no longer saw and though people spoke well and accredited letters were written on my behalf they refused to acknowledge.

They instead began to believe the negative impute that came from one student who claimed that they were with me during a morning when they were supposed to be at the clinic training on how to be a good M.A. and yet was in neither place. I remember the one line that caught my attention within my first write up, “Inappropriate conduct with a student.” I also remember saying, “It sounds like I’m having an affair with the student,” and refused to sign the paper.

I’m not going to sit here and say I was the perfect employee, because I wasn’t and till this day I’m not. I’ve had my lateness, I’ve had my unscheduled PTO and I’ve had moments when I had to admit personal wrongdoing.There are no perfect employees or perfect managers. Unfortunately and fortunately we’re human.

I truly believe that a manager/supervisor has the right to constitute the proper discipline, but they don’t have the right to demean or intimidate anyone because of the authority they have over their employee.

During my last three years of my eleven years of working there I had gotten so tired of being called to my managers office and had become so overwhelmed with their daily calls of wanting to know what I was doing. Not out of disrespect to them, but because I was being reprimanded for things I had nothing to do with, or was being trained for something that had nothing to do with my position or the department that associated me to the hospital.

The conference calls between them and me, though they didn’t know I knew, included an anonymous person whom sat in their office and listened at the mockery my manager portrayed toward me.

•          Does this sound schizophrenic? Yes
•          Could it be me simply being an unappreciative bad employee? Yes

But I assure it wasn’t. My coworkers, the ones working in the clinic, shared their daily events with this same manager, listening to how one had a nervous breakdown or how the atmosphere changed upon their arrival. My coworkers, the ones whom worked alongside me, saw my work ethics diminish and my cheerful nature transform.

I recall returning from my manager’s office with the desire to hurt them. I was walking in circles trying to calm myself when one of the doctors tapped my shoulders and asked what the matter was. My answer was, “I feel like beating the living s---t out of …”

On another occasion I went to the bathroom when they happened to call the office phone. Since I didn’t answer, my manager decided to contact me via cell phone. As I said “hello” they proceeded to ask, “Where were you?” I answered, “In the bathroom.” Their response was, “You should have been at your desk answering my call!” and continued to yell at me for whatever reason.

My coworker, whose desk is several feet away, looked up at me with wide eyes shock at how they were able to hear my manager through my phone. I admit yelling back and then running into the bathroom and with anger punched the wall. My coworker followed and asked through the door if I was okay.

Every morning after that I hoped and wished that this was the day I was to be fired and every other day I pleaded to God to transform me into the loving spirit He had created me to be, the one I found in Him.

My last right up was based on someone overhearing me speak to someone on the office phone about an incident that occurred between a teacher and a sixteen year old student. Though I explained that the patient began the small talk and that I had switched the conversation to what they needed, I was written up for speaking about the news and not about work. According to my manager I had no authority to talk about anything other than work issues to clients and coworkers. If they, this included the doctors I worked with, spoke to me of any subject outside of my daily work I was to redirect from the conversation.

NOTE:  There is so much more to this particular story that every time I tell it the expression behind the word “What?” and the comments that come afterward are always the same.

You’re probably thinking, Why didn’t she apply for another position in the hospital?

Two reasons:

1. Per hospital rule my manager had the right to refuse me wanting to transfer and anyone hiring me within another department. They had done it before.
2. I wanted to work in an environment of one-on-one communication with people who needed me – my cheerfulness, my compassion and my helping hand. 

“Hi, Ms. Heathers!”

            Without looking up, she said, “Oh, you’re back. You can continue as yesterday and have all blank files updated with all missing sheets.”

            Placing her backpack on the floor, “Ms. Heathers I need to make copies.”

            Still facing down, “Do you know how to use the copier?”

            “Yes.”

            “Then use it.”

            Jocelyn was now sensing that this woman wasn't just having a bad day, but, in fact, didn’t like her. At one point, the woman entered the file room to verify the work, nitpicking at the most insignificant things. “The papers are slightly unaligned. Did you hole-punch them correctly?”

            “Yes, the copy machine hole-punched as it copied.”

            “You could have used the manual puncher.”

            “Yes, but it’s easier and less time consuming.”

            Giving her a snarled look, “It’s called being lazy!”

Reminiscence– Chapter 4, page 44 and 45

STEPPING - a movement made by lifting the foot and setting it down again in a new position, accompanied by a shifting of the weight of the body in the direction of the new position

UP - in a more elevated position

Every time I went to church I sought God with tears. I didn’t want to go back to the old me and I refused hating my manager for the state I felt they were placing me in.

Monday’s were the continuation of Sunday’s word pouring into me, while Tuesday was the beginning of it gradually pouring out of me. Wednesday night I served in Youth and allowed its essence to flow, while Thursday I returned to a heavy forum between my carnal self and my spiritual self. Friday’s came with the battle of elation for the weekend and the disorientation of knowing that the upcoming week I’d be back.

Despite of all that I had determined to pray blessing over my manager and the few who sided with them against me. I continued to speak God’s love over me and that it would overflow onto them.

I wasn’t about to step down from where God had placed me. I instead stepped up to where He needed me to be by stopping myself and refusing to speak evil against them, because I knew (and know) that the spoken word is a powerful weapon.

I consider loyalty to be one of the greatest virtues a person can acquire.

•  Faithfulness to commitments or obligations
•  Moral excellence; goodness; righteousness
• To gain for oneself through one's actions or efforts

Loyal to whom?

1. To God, because if it hadn’t been for Him I wouldn’t have been where I was. In a position of financial, personal and spiritual growth in between the stress I was in.
2. Second was to my family, though they saw and felt what I was going through I was negated to bring my anger and stress and sadness and plant it in our atmosphere.
3. my place of work. I had a position to maintain and a job to do that many expected me to do. I didn’t serve my doctors unwillingly, nor did I assist whoever needed my assistance bitterly.  I instead took charge in the only way I knew best … 

AND OVER

above in place or position

above and to the other side of

Several years prior to the conflicts the corporate offices had contracted a billing company that eventually took over the in-hospital medical billing, which was part of my daily schedule. I admit that it was a benefit for my doctors, but at the end it had taken two hours of my work day away enforcing me to find other work to fill that in. Thank God I was needed for translation.

Sadly the translating had to be limited because my manager didn’t like me being away from my desk and working side by side with the doctors she had assigned me to work with and for.

Along with that, corporate had also contracted a new computer program that would make the work flow easier for everyone associated with the hospital – inside and out.

Progressive change is always good unless it affects you in a negative way.

Several months into the New Year there were monthly meeting held that primarily discussed the fact that the new medical program would be able to dictate letters and send it directly to the appropriate people, make it easier for physicians to complete medical paperwork and notes, and file it in medical records. Meaning, it was taking over much of my administrative duties and in several more months my hours would be cut down to two a day.

The reality was that I either had to search for another place of work or return to the clinic.

Which would you choose?

I had already applied and was interviewed by several places. Unfortunately I was either over or underqualified. A few places wanted my skills and were willing to pay me well, but they were either too far or not what I was now thriving for.

And then I received a call to which I answered yes to. Yes to getting all kinds of background checks and yes to handing in my two week resignation.

I will never forget that Monday morning. My manager called my cell and explained that they needed to see me before 9 a.m. I explained, just as previous times, that on Monday mornings I had to complete work for my doctors that pertained to the past weekend, work that took time to complete. I couldn’t be there until 10am or later. Upon my arrival I said my hello’s to the clinic staff and then entered their office to then be yelled at for being late to the appointment. I simply sat there and stared silently until they were finished and then said that I needed to tell the something.

Their response, “You’ll wait till I finish!”

I nodded and they began to explain how I was to be trained to scan paperwork into the computerized in-hospital files.  I intern explained the problem with that idea, which should have been common sense to someone in their position.

“I would have to be staffed by the hospital filing department,” which was impossible since they had let go of many people because of the new program.

A light bulb seemed to have turned on, but because they were the type that didn’t like to be proven wrong, it turned off again to then ask, “What is it that you need to say.”

“I’m giving you my two week resignation.”

If only I could’ve taken a picture of the expression. They were mute for a bit and when they spoke the words stumbled out.

My last day was on Friday and my first day was the following Monday. The same Monday when my administrative duties would deteriorate to a measly two hours and the new program would officially take over.

What I Have Learned?

Have I learned not to trust my present manager or coworkers? No. That wouldn’t be fair or Godlike.

What I learned …

“You continue to walk Despite the facts. Sometimes you’ll run – praising God through everything. Unfortunately, you will fall, but thank our Father that Psalms 30 verse 5 says that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. For every time you fall, make it a determination to get up and even stronger.”

ReminiscenceChapter 13, page 154

Reserved

Kept especially for a particular purpose or person

Me… You…          The King… The Queen…         The President or CEO

To be seen and perhaps recognized

To express position

To reveal what you think you are

Any place that is a place

At the highest point or the lowest

Near or from a distance

Today I walked into Living Faith Christian Center a bit later than usual and by myself.  Not with the usual four men that either follow or lead – my husband and our three boys.

As they always do, the ushers asked and I answered, “I’m only one today.” They then lead me to a designated seat… toward the front of the sanctuary, and more specifically, the second row – behind the Deacons, Ministers and Pastors.

When I looked at the seat it had a sign that read “Reserved.” Usually I’d be the first to step back and refuse out of respect to which the reservation may belong to. But, not this time. I instead settled my purse on the floor and began to worship along with everyone else.

It really isn’t a big deal up to a certain extent – respect. Within a normal or abnormal mindset, the seat may have been reserved for the Security Team or for Katy Perry. And yet, it was given to me.

It was reserved… for me… without expecting it, without whomever realizing and simply for being myself in Him. I say this with pride because I got to sit a few feet away from the altar in which our Worship Team and my Pastor stands.

Proverbs 4 (AMP)

23. Watch over your heart with all diligence. For from it flows the springs of life.

24. Put away from you a deceitful (lying and deceitful) mouth, and put devious lips far from you.

25. Let your eyes look directly ahead (toward the path of moral courage) and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you (toward the path of integrity)

Reminiscence Chapter 16,pages 170

                In the past, Jocelyn had become familiar with the challenges of change. One particular lesson she had learned was that it’s easier to change for someone else, rather than for oneself. Concentrating on specific examples, Lacey changed trying to gain Brad’s approval.

Approval – the action of officially agreeing to something or accepting something as satisfactory.

What’s approval worth to you?

It’s a question with several answers that may or may not carry boundaries…

Respectable or Immoral

1.       The teacher’s approval equals good grades – the cost is working toward the goal.

2.      The teacher’s approval equals good grades – the cost is allowing him/her to manipulate you into doing something other than schoolwork.

1.       Your boss notices the extra hours you’ve put in and decides to give you a raise or bonus.

2.      Your boss notices your assets and decides to give you a raise or bonus only after you’ve put in some extra hours.

1.       Your child decides to have a relationship, wanting them to meet you.

2.      Your child’s relationship decides that they need to expose their assets in order to have a relationship.

The above situations are the simplest encounter from many that are much harder to tolerate and they usually begin during the teen years, continuing onto adulthood. Somehow the message that was taught during childhood disintegrated into wanting to be accepted because of someone else’s opinion on your worth. An opinion that may have been voiced by a parent or guardian, a counselor or teacher but ignored because ignorance expressed greater interest in approved.

When did we decide that our worth is based on

what we look like or what others may think of us?

Antoni told her that he changed certain aspects of his life without realizing it. The proof was when he explained that before meeting her he wasn’t as detailed and creative. At first he was convinced that it was for her, but then he recognized that the alteration allowed him to grow as an individual and in their relationship. Her personal transformation started when she tried making breakfast for Antoni.

I’ve met people who have changed for the better because they knew that if they didn’t it would have brought forth negative consequences.

How did we decide that our worth is based on

what we look like or what others may think? 

           

           A few weeks had gone by when another point grabbed her. People will change for others as though it’s a favor or a gift to that person. It’s important to understand that it was supposed to be for one’s personal benefit and gain. Unfortunately, there is a greater interest in how others feel even if it turns out wrong. What’s gained? Resentment, the lack of recognition, and many other negative emotions develop as the reality hits, sometimes too late.

            It sounds selfish, wanting to do something as a personal accomplishment, but realizing that it is a task God had given His people as a way to improve. She thought about it in using previous examples. Lacey changed her look for Brad twice, her character, and her attitude. Within that change she lost her friendship with Jocelyn along with many others, no benefits gained.

I am one that had decided to make personal changes, because I knew that if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have what I have today – my husband and three sons. I continue to make changes, because I’ve come to learn that sacrifice has greater benefits.

Why did we decide that our worth is based on

what we look like or what others may think?

1^st Peter 3 (AMP)

3. Our adornment must not be merely external – with interweaving and elaborate knotting of the hair, and wearing of gold jewelry, or (being superficially preoccupied with) dressing in expensive clothes;

4. But let it be (the inner beauty of) the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, (one that is calm and self-controlled, no overanxious, but serene and spiritually mature) which is very precious in the sigh of God.

Question:

How often do we see someone who tries to impersonate that TV or Movie actor/actress? They need that style no matter the cost. They need to impress no matter the outcome. They need to show off what they can’t afford even if it’s for one minute or forever.

I need… I need… I need

How often are you asked?

“Do you know what you want? Do you know who you are? Do you see your worth?

Do you… Not they!

Do you… Not him or her!

Do you… Not your mother or father or siblings or friends!

Do you?

Many times we lose focus on us and what we want, and begin to focus on our surrounding. This is when we begin to lose self-worth and decide to want what they want or need.

How many people do you know whom damage their self-image?  

Staring at her reflection in the mirror while completing her daily rituals Jocelyn knew the change had begun. Her character being altered as praise to God, bringing recognized blessings that were already flowing. It’s what she needed and wanted.

Believe it or not…

·         It’s okay to focus on you.

·         It’s okay that someone sees you for who you are and not for what they can get.

·         It’s okay to be liked and loved without it becoming an obsession.

It’s also okay…

·         To focus on someone else

·         To see them for who they are and not what you can get.

·         To like and love without it becoming an obsession and without expecting something in return.

We tend to forget that the simplest, the insignificant and unnoticed detail can be the profound moment in ours or someone’s life. Our minds will usually think on greater and better or what we consider significant and very well noticed, to then forget that it may be selfish of our part.

What caused us to decide that our worth should be limited to focusing on solely greater things?

I am one that enjoys admiring and speaking about cars and trucks and motorcycles, especially antiques. But what would I gain from ignoring the Kia Soul, which I can afford, and automatically decide to buy a hooked up 1957 Chevy, which is my favorite and yet cannot afford.

I would rather reserve myself and be valued for the greatness within me than be recognized for the greatness I falsified in order to reach the reserved that wasn’t reserved for me.

This may read as simple or childlike, but it’s a mindset that has great worth.

Your approval or disapproval will be noticed,

but may not be cared for.